Grieving for your past life is healthy

It took me over a year to accept my failing health from when it started to get worse. I’d already had a back operation in 2014 and it took over 2 years to recover, I’m not fully recovered and still have pain issues. It was only after I started to develop fibro in the latter half of 2015 that I realised that my life would never be the same. I was working on a very stressful project and suffered some bullying at work, I wasn’t recovered from the fusion and I developed fibromyalgia. The condition got worse until I found myself on a massive amount of medications, mentally ill and feeling suicidal and questioning whether I could continue to work………

Since the diagnosis, which took another 6months and that is fast as it often takes an average of 3 years to get diagnosed. I’ve had to have a double cervical fusion ( fusions now) and laminectomy and now await a date to have the back of my neck bone removed…….it’s been very challenging and trying to hold down a full time job is exhausting and frustrating.

It took me a long time, well over a year to accept that my past life will never be a part of my present life. It is vital you allow yourself to grieve, it’s the same as losing a loved one, you’ll never feel any better than you do at that moment unless your grieve. It involves a lot of tears, heartache, honesty with your loved ones and work (off applicable).

You have to change your lifestyle, give up some of your activities, agree ongoing support and most importantly focus your priority of improving your mental health.

You cannot continue doing what you did before fibro you have to change, I know you don’t want to but it’s not possible if your symptoms are getting worse. Only when you get on top of the symptoms and reduce them, then maybe just maybe you might be able to get back to normal……… read someone else’s story about grieving for your past life here.

Don’t forget you will also have times when your symptoms improve and worsen; things like illness, injury, stress, operations, overdoing things, insomnia, bad choices in food and drink…..all of these things will affect your symptoms. Some of these things you can avoid and others you won’t, but you can always control how you react to them.

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What went wrong?

I was having a great recovery; pain was under control I was walking 3 times a day, managing a little bit of housework. Now here I am struggling to sleep, struggling with pain, unable to cook a decent meal, not been for a walk in days. Had 2 migraines over last 3 days…….

So what went wrong; entertaining a guest at the weekend, I don’t have the energy. Changed pain relief due to pressure from my doctors from Oxy to morphine, but I cannot sleep on morphine, so I switched to tramadol in the day and Oramorph at night, but it’s not strong enough. Once the morphine had worn off and it was just tramadol in the day, I went downhill fast. This is the worst I’ve felt since the surgery.

My hot tub pump has broke so I’m waiting for that to be fixed, this has made a big difference to my pain, so my daughter is running me a hot bath, where there is a will there is a way.

Doctors are so obsessed about reducing opioids/opiates, that for those of us that need them we have to fight tooth and nail to get them. I took the time to explain to the doctor step by step what they did on my neck and lower back and that my spine is aged 25 years older than my actual age, sometimes you just have to take the time to explain your personal situation to them, my 2nd double fusion was not a standard operation, my neck had to be broken in 2 places, my facet joint had to be removed as it was full of bone spurs, that’s before inserting the cage and implants. With having fibro; the pain is real, yes it is more intense and will probably last twice as long as someone without it. But I cannot change that, what I need right now are the right painkillers to ensure I get a decent quality of life and get back to my job. I cannot imagine trying to work right now………..

So I am waiting for them to ring back and I am telling them that I am going back on Oxy (I have about 2 weeks worth left) and they had better support me, or I’ll be leaving work and living off the state.

Rant over!!

One week post op

The last 48 hours have been hell. The pain in the right hand side of my body, neck, shoulders and head have been worse than the first fusion. The reasons for this is that the lower spine I could rest by just laying on the bed. When your neck has been cut open it hurts even to hold my head up, it hurts to swallow, indigestion hurts and I feel bruised inside. This is normal and I am under no illusions that the pain is going to get worse, as I try to undertake my physio exercises.

Ha ha I must have started this post the day before yesterday and then forgot, it was hurting me to text.

I am glad to say today that I feel much better. I think the Oxy is well and truly in my system now. I’m sleeping better than I have done in a long time. I’d never take this stuff for fibro, I can see that you could get in a cycle of constantly increasing your dosage. I can imagine wearing off it is like absolute hell, much worse than tramadol or morphine.

The little dog has been cuddling nonstop, under my sofa blanket and everything lol. He’s so cute and has kept me entertained whilst I am home alone.

Anyway so far so good. The first week has been hell, resting is important, no cleaning, keeping my right arm rested but also not just sitting on my backside all day long. This weekend I want to start walking, build up my strength.

Again I forgot to post this from earlier and now it’s 12.30 at night and I cannot sleep!!

I had pushed fibro to the back of my mind since the operation and today I’ve had a big reminder that it’s still there!! I ate some chocolate cake left over from my daughter which is full of gluten and sugar, the pain in my neck, shoulder, arms and hands is unbearable and I’m struggling to get comfortable. I know it’s my fibro as my lower back is hurting and I have this flu type feeling, a mini flare up. What an absolute tit, I have to stick to my plan, stay healthy. I have a sugar and gluten free cake I’ve been eating fine all week so I should have stuck that that. I’m sure my daughter will be telling me I told you so!! 😂

I know some of you probably have not figured out just how much your diet impacts on fibro, I didn’t believe it myself until I went on the diagnostic diet. I could not believe the difference in how I felt once I’d figured out which food types made me ill🤒. Here are some good groups that CAN affect your condition and increase some symptoms here.

I know some of you will have tried ‘diets’ I fu@@ing hate that word! Diets don’t work, full-stop.

You have to change your eating and drinking habits and make it permanent. Trust me; cutting out a few foods is pointless if you are leaving several other ‘trigger’ foods in your meal planning. Also when you go onto a strict eating/drinking regime the flare ups are more severe but last hours not days/weeks; why? Because you figure out what you ate/drink to make you ill and stop, thus cutting off the intake of that trigger food/drink.

You are what you eat; eat shit and feel shit!! Eat more fresh food, cut out foods full of sugar; yes, even some fruits, mango makes me feel ill as it’s full of sugar.

I need to eat healthy even more right now, I’m trying to recover from one of the worst surgeries I’ve ever had and being silly is not going to help me. Tonight I will hardly sleep which means more pain tomorrow, no energy, negative thinking and more pain! All this for a piece of bloody cake!!