Mourning my old life

As I lay here in bed in agony with every god damn nerve ending hurting from my feet to my hands, stomach to my head and especially my back. I find myself flicking through Facebook and hating everything I see, people having fun, doing ‘stuff’, things I used to do and I depress myself.
I was supposed to be at a family party tonight but I have not got enough energy to get up, even get downstairs, forget putting makeup on. I managed to get in the bath earlier thinking it would make me feel better, with my usual magnesium salts to soak in but it made me feel worse. Off to bed I went again and cried through the pain in my skin, I can’t describe how it feels it’s like sunburn all over my body!!

On really bad days like this I think back to how I used to be, the life and soul of the party. Now I can barely make an attendance at a party. Everyone drinking and carrying on and there’s me not drinking or if I do I’m ill for a week! I know my husband hates this as much as I do and it’s hard for him to but he doesn’t understand, how could he. It’s like having the worst hangover ever and coming down with the start of a flu virus. I worry over everything and anything, is he going to run off with someone else, I guess a little like my friends have withered away as no one understands what it is like.
On good days I feel more like me again and I know I can get this thing under control. I’ve read many times about people who have conquered this condition, of course they still have it but they are in the driving seat. They are different people and have different lives now. I know I can be like them but I am not sure if the people that were or are in the life I mourn for will still be around with me.
One person I know that will always be there will be my daughter, she is such a trooper she does everything I can’t. Unconditional love.

So it’s out with the old and in with the new, life that is. I need to start putting myself first more and more and of people don’t like it show them the door!! I’m never a nasty person but I never put myself first………..


Author: Maz Brown

Hi there, I am a busy mum who had found a new lease in life by completing my diploma in Hypnotherapy and NLP and led a successful part-time online hypnotherapy business, preparing personalised online recordings and using tried and tested NLP techniques as homework for my clients. I found out I had advanced degenerative disease in my spine over 10 years ago and then spondyliothesis 4 years ago. 2 of my lumbar discs collapsed and I needed a fusion in March 2014, but left the other collapsed disc in place. It was then that things got really weird. It took me over 2 years to get diagnosed with Fibromyalgia which I developed after the surgery and that is when the fun started........ I now have Osteoarthritis in my neck and have another 2 discs that are collapsing into my spinal column. I am considering having a double fusion to reduce the pain.

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